Sean Duffy's ACTUAL Seven Commitments to the Seventh
Reality tee-vee star Sean Duffy, a political appointee who rarely came to work as District Attorney and who left vital cases hanging so he could, I don't know, do other fun stuff like hang out with cool Republicans in Washington, yesterday released a list of things he says he will do if he, you know, wins the election. We have re-imagined them for him.
1. I will TOTALLY check my e-mail once a week, because that's where I have my Fantasy Football Team, "LUMBERJAX JAGWARS."
2. I will come back to Ashland every once in a while even though it's kinda gross and they have much better hair products in DuPont Circle or where my wife works in New York.
3. If they put me on one of those committees, I want to be on the one where they, like, do the things with the tanks and those jet fighters and stuff. Ronald Reagan.
4. I will totally pick up extra copies when I show up in East Coast newspapers, but not too many because I paid a lot for this pedicure.
5. Have you seen that new Axe commercial? It is sooooo funny.
6. Something about Social Security, old people, whatever. Someone ask Mark Block to fill in the rest.
7. Don't show anyone any more of those "Real World" episodes, 'kay? I'm trying to audition for the part of a phlebotomist in "CSI: Cleveland" and my agent said it's bad for me.