WHINE WEDNESDAY: Van Orden’s Twitter Use Wrapped
Welcome to Whine Wednesday with Derrick Van Orden, America’s fiercest keyboard warrior. We comb through the hundreds of tweets DVO posts during a week so you don’t have to. Grab a glass and join us for Whine Wednesday!
MADISON, Wis. —It was a slower week for Van Orden on Twitter, seemingly because he was a little preoccupied vacationing in Scotland while federal workers continue to go without pay as a result of the Republican-led, partial government shutdown. Nonetheless, Van Orden still tweeted 82 times. You can find all the highlights (or lowlights) of Van Orden’s online presence this past week below.
APRIL FOOL: Van Orden Spotted Sightseeing in Scotland During Government Shutdown
What would YOU do if you were a Republican representative in a competitive district during a partial government shutdown where thousands of federal employees were going without pay? If you’re Derrick Van Orden, the answer is simple: Book a trip to Scotland!
Yup, that’s right — while federal workers have to worry about how they will pay for rent and groceries as they continue to go without pay during the Republican-led partial government shutdown, Derrick Van Orden decided the real crisis was whether or not he packed enough layers for the Highlands. The good news for him is that he finally made his lifelong dream come true. After years of trying, Van Orden has finally received the distinguished honor of being featured on TMZ, something we can only assume he has worked toward given his work in political theatre and his failed acting career. To that we say, congrats Derrick! You’ve finally made it. What’s next — his name and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
What’s even more incredible is his brave show of hypocrisy. I’m serious — it takes real nerve to tweet hundreds of times about Congress not doing its job to pay federal workers, and then, as a sitting member of Congress, go on a European vacation while the government is still in a partial shutdown. True bravery.
DVO’S DADDY OF THE WEEK: Adam Kinzinger
Van Orden got into an argument with former representative Adam Kinzinger this past week, due to Van Orden meeting with Russian diplomats. The exchange was short by Van Orden’s standards (only two tweets!), but they are telling to say the least.
In an attempt to be clever, Van Orden posted blurry, low-resolution photos of Kinzinger’s alleged Grindr account. Despite being America’s fiercest keyboard warrior, Van Orden has a bad habit of falling for fake or outdated posts, so it’s no surprise he found random and unconfirmed photos to fill his Twitter-troll quota.
We do have a few questions for Derrick…why do you have these photos on your phone? Are they stored in a separate, maybe password protected photo album? And is your algorithm also a result of you binging Heated Rivalry a few months ago? The internet does not just feed you that content unprompted. From a guy who has spent so much of his career attacking the LGBTQ+ community, Van Orden seems to be very plugged into gay social media.
TOTALLY EPIC COMEBACK: Your Mom
Using playground insults pretty much confirms what we already knew about Van Orden. While he would not fare well on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, he would excel at the 5th grade curriculum when it comes to recess bully tactics. While attempting to prove he totally doesn’t care about how people perceive his relationships with high ranking Trump administration officials, Van Orden whipped out the deadliest insult in his arsenal: Your mom.
Yup. A your mom joke to own the libs in an exchange about the war in Iran. To be fair, we shouldn’t be too hard on him considering he was probably a little preoccupied planning his European getaway. When you’re busy sightseeing on the other side of the Atlantic, you simply don’t have the capacity to put together coherent political messaging. The vacation brain is real!
WORST TAKE: Economist = Pravda
Always one with a flair for the dramatics, Van Orden has now decided that The Economist is comparable to Russian propaganda from World War I. We’re not sure what his Russian Duma buddies might think about this.
Rather than address the actual war happening, Van Orden decided his time is best spent play pretending as an editor (his pattern of critical misspellings certainly doesn’t give us much confidence in his copyediting abilities). While people are actually dying as a result of the Trump administration’s illegal war with Iran, Van Orden uses his downtime in Scotland to compare a British magazine and Pravda.
What would YOU do if you were a Republican representative in a competitive district during a partial government shutdown where thousands of federal employees were going without pay? If you’re Derrick Van Orden, the answer is simple: Book a trip to Scotland!
Sincerely,
DVO’s Whine Club
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