WHINE WEDNESDAY: Van Orden’s Twitter Use Wrapped
Welcome to Whine Wednesday with Derrick Van Orden, America’s fiercest keyboard warrior. We comb through the hundreds of tweets DVO posts during a week so you don’t have to. Grab a glass and join us for Whine Wednesday!
MADISON, Wis. — Van Orden has had quite the head-spinning week as evidenced by his 108 tweets. From a Covid denialism to his bathroom habits, you can find all the highlights (or lowlights) of Van Orden’s online presence this past week below.
DVO’S DADDY OF THE WEEK: DR. FAUCI
This week, Van Orden took a note from Ron Johnson’s playbook and decided to dive headfirst into Covid denialism — just classic grifter behavior. He is on twitter, screaming about jailing Dr. Fauci … in 2026. Sir, there is no reason to imprison Dr. Fauci and even if there were, that ship has sailed, and we encourage Van Orden to pick up some new talking points. However, this is a bit unsurprising from the guy who’s worldview seems to be stuck in January 6th, 2021 (perhaps he truly never mentally left those capitol grounds).
Van Orden’s fake outrage is very obviously his lame attempt to distract voters from the real problems at hand. Want to talk about the rising cost of gas prices that are a direct result of Republicans like Van Orden rubber-stamping the illegal war with Iran? Too bad if you live in Van Orden’s district, you’re stuck with recycled conspiracy theories and a growing hole in your wallet. But hey, at least his constituents know his opinion on Dr. Fauci!
WORST TAKE: TRUMPS IS SHARP AS A TACK! I KNOW HIM!!!!!!
It seems Van Orden is not over his brutal diss he received from Trump at the State of the Union back in February. Must still sting a little! But do not fret, Van Orden took it upon himself to defend the mental state of “sharp as a tack” Donald Trump who he spends a lot of time with apparently!
If we are playing pretend here, can we please get in on the fun? While this Whine Wednesday writer would love to get paid to pretend we’re best friends with Harry Styles — some are saying we are even inseparable — making US the most qualified people to speak about his personal life (just don’t ask us about the engagement!). At this point, that seems just as credible. It’s a bold strategy to defend someone’s mental state by pointing to your own close relationship with them, especially when that relationship apparently didn’t stop said person from ignoring you in front of the whole country.
Happy Teacher Appreciation Week from DVO
The first week of May is Teacher Appreciation Week, and leave it to Van Orden to come out swinging with a bold new take — let’s pay teachers less! Truly a banger of a policy position coming from the man who didn’t have the most traditional relationship with high school himself, and while we’re not the type to shade people for the amount of education they completed, it’s a bit rich that the high school dropout is the one leading the charge to cut their pay. We also don’t think it is the best messaging strategy to attack public school teachers’ pay. Here is an idea for DVO: higher teacher pay leads to high teacher quality which leads to — you guessed it — better student performance!
As someone who went to school and worked in child care in the 3rd Congressional District, this one hits close to home. These are real teachers and real students who deserve better than to be used as a political pawn by their absent congressman. Maybe visit a school in your district once in a while, Derrick — you might actually see the incredible work these educators put in every single day.
DVO NEEDS TO KNOW: Do you pee standing up or sitting down?
We don’t even really have words for this one. While Wisconsinites are getting crushed by the Trump agenda that Van Orden fully supports, Van Orden is online tweeting seemingly motivational content on the logistics of bathroom usage — ironically signed “A Leader.”
A LEADER! In response to a post about how an entire generation of students has had their formative years shaped by political chaos, Van Orden looked at his phone and thought, yeah, this is time to use a urination metaphor. Ok!
WAYBACK WEDNESDAY: DIRTY CONDOMS!
First and foremost, we have to apologize. We’re so sorry you have to see this, but we did — so now you do too. Back in the day on his SEAL Book of Man twitter, Van Orden posted a photo of a dirty condom and some cigarette butts. Now, we will give credit where credit is due — beautiful composition on the photo and a solid caption. Truly, something that would have probably done numbers on Tumblr a decade ago. But above that, this is just flat out bizarre. He stumbled across a dirty condom and his first thought was to post it online (where it got a singular like).
What makes this ironic is in Van Orden’s own book, he wrote “American men today can tweet pictures of their genitals around the world in an instant, but many have no idea how to change a tire,” on the first page of the introduction. Now, this isn’t a photo of anyone’s genitals, but we’d say it’s in the same realm, which illuminates Van Orden’s strange and recurring fixation with genitals. From his tweets to his photography to his writing to his policy decisions, it’s apparent this is a topic that is frequently on his mind, and unfortunately, on our twitter feeds.
Sincerely,
DVO’s Whine Club
